Even a seemingly simple situation like asking a waiter to return your overcooked steak and reminding him/her that you requested rare (that's how I prefer it!) can be difficult. Why? Because of the context and conflicting interests. You are unhappy about the food since it is not what you ordered, on the other hand, you are in the midst of an important and personal conversation with a friend. Contacting the waiter and getting what you had ordered would undoubtedly interrupt the flow of the conversation and, you fear, destroy the mood. What do you do? You decide - you choose - to eat the overcooked meat because you do not want to risk the change in mood that calling the waiter over would mean. Emphasis on you making a choice. That is being assertive. Others might choose differently. That's OK. How do you know whether you made the right choice? No emotional aftermath - you feel good about it.
The exercise at the workshops I ran was designed to help participants think about a past situation where they did not act assertively and wished they had. They needed to think about what they wanted, and then think about whether there was anything else they wanted. Usually the "anything else" had to do with relationships and the fear of hurting someone else. That's the sticky part. Trying to figure out whether your fears are imaginary or real. Will you really hurt or deeply offend a good friend by letting her know that you would prefer to stay at home and read a book than have her over for a chat when she suggests it one particular evening? Is there a pattern to the relationship you need to examine? If you refuse an unreasonable request at the workplace, are you really risking your job or is that an imaginary fear?
Working in pairs the participants had to note down: (1) what did I want from this situation? (2) what else did I want? are they compatible? (3) who were the people involved? (4) what would have been an assertive response? (5) what prevented you from acting assertively? what was your inner dialogue? (6) how did I suffer (what was the impact) by not acting assertively (7) what should I have done or said instead?
When this exercise was "assigned", there was usually a collective groan. Sounded like any classroom when being given a math quiz! It was partly a reaction to the effort involved in thinking of an example that could be shared. And this points to one of the limitations of running this type of workshop at a workplace among colleagues. The examples involve other colleagues or managers, and they do not think it is appropriate to air these situations when they cannot ensure the anonymity of those involved, even though all participants pledge confidentiality.
Usually they did manage to find a situation they wanted to work on that would not compromise someone else at the workplace - and would not make them feel too stupid in front of peers. The next hurdle was getting them to actually say the words. Yes, it felt awkward and strange - the point was, however, to give power to the words by saying them out loud. Practice, practice, practice. It will help next time round. That is, of course, if it is a situation involving a verbal exchange. I only realized at the end of the exercise that one of the participants had chosen a situation involving road rage - not something that lends itself to assertive response! The assertive (mature!) response to such a stimulus would be to just let it go. Move on, literally.
Stimulus - response
One of the opening exercises at the workshop was to brainstorm all possible behaviours to a stimulus (someone on your team is not pulling their weight; someone is always asking favours from you; you are tired and want to spend the evening alone, someone you know comes by .... etc.).
It was always interesting to watch the group dynamics. Some groups had a hard time listing negative behavioural reactions (shout, slam door, and so on). Remember the exercise was to generate a list of any type of behaviour - no matter how inappropriate or non-productive. Other groups laughed and squealed as they allowed themselves to - at least on paper - react aggressively. Letting it out.
The object of the exercise was to make participants aware that to any one stimulus, there were a variety of responses - and that the knee-jerk response, the immediate one, didn't have to be the one they used. There is a gap between stimulus and response where we can choose the appropriate reaction.
How to express negative feelings - especially anger - assertively was the question everyone asked. And the answer is easy in theory, difficult in practice (understatement!). Feelings will out one way or another. Self-disclosure is a good starting point: "I feel nervous about xxx", "It is difficult for me to ask, however yyy", "I feel angry about zzz". "The immediate effect of this is to reduce your anxiety. It allows you to relax and take command of yourself. When we feel confident and secure, the overall physical sensation is relaxation. ... we feel looser and stronger." (Dickson, p.66)
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