So back in 1987, armed with tons of material I launched the first assertiveness workshop at my international, i.e. multicultural, workplace. In my nearly monolingual brain, I had not reckoned on the need to explain what assertiveness meant. We'd do that as part of the workshop, I thought. Fun to explore together, I thought. According to colleagues (who collectively represented more than 40 different nationalities) there didn't seem to be an equivalent in their mother-tongues. Directly translated into Danish, for example, "assertiveness" took on a negative connotation. More like "annoyingly persistent". The closest positive translation was "self-confidence building". Which, granted, is at the heart of being assertive but still not a translation. Working around that came much later as the workshop evolved. For now, I was set on running workshops on assertiveness - with strong support from the staff development officer at the time (thank you again, CM!).
Barraged by questions by potential participants, I realized I had to communicate this in a way everyone would understand, so the text on the announcement stated: I know that you believe you understand what you think I said but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
That got them. Everyone could relate to that!
How did I "translate" assertiveness during the workshop? Not in one word - rather a series of key words that we continued to add to: Honest, direct, empathetic communication, respecting the rights of others while asserting your own rights. At the very start of the workshop, participants - usually women but some men - were asked to supply key words and concepts they associated with the word "assertiveness". No problem. They all had a sense of the behaviour, even though it could not be directly translated from English.
And they were all eager to react to difficult situations more assertively. The big question was whether they could really do it at the workplace. Could they say no to a manager's request to do a particular task at the end of the day, which would mean having to work overtime? Note, most often with no compensation, neither time nor money.
Saying no
Again, back in the 80s, assertiveness training was popular - not only for individuals but at workplaces. Why? Was this type of training really supported by line managers? Did they even know that their staff had enrolled? Hard to say now. I do know that my own supervisor, a mild mannered Brit, was aghast that I would be teaching co-workers how to "say no". "You can't say no here", he said. My reply was that staff wouldn't just be bluntly refusing a request or neglecting their jobs. They would still be committed to fulfilling their duties. It just seemed reasonable to me, at the time, that staff should be able to refuse - nicely - unreasonable requests. The question was how to define “reasonableness”.
Assertiveness became part of the training programme at my workplace, because of a proposal made by a study group on stress management. At least, that’s how I like to think it happened! The study group was composed of "we, the people". By not being able to set limits, staff were suffering. The energy and commitment they once had was being drained. Burn-out was a real threat.
This is supported by the literature - lack of assertiveness has severe health impacts, both on individuals and organizations. There is a danger in saying yes when you actually mean know. Your body is screaming - “say no, please say no”. Our bodies are sinking as our mind abandons ship. Doing that often will have negative effects over the long term, both on you and your relationships. "When you do not remain true to your own needs and wishes, when you put aside a heartfelt 'no' for a half-hearted 'yes', do not kid yourself that it does not matter. The heartfelt 'no' will seek expression through some outlet. A refusal if not open and direct will always emerge somehow indirectly." (Dickson, p. 52).
This is where cultural differences really emerged. For some, the right to assert oneself at the workplace was obvious. They just needed to be more skilled at communicating it, they felt. Others strongly felt that they did not have the right to set limits. They were working for the public good - they was no such thing as "work/life balance". The American refrain I had grown up with - "happy workers are productive workers" - did not necessarily chime with my colleagues from other parts of the world. "Personal happiness is not the issue. It's about duty.", a colleague informed me. Still, there was a strong interest across different cultures - especially among women - to develop assertive communication skills.
Word of caution: "saying no" is a slogan. It is more about being able to set reasonable limits and finding alternative solutions, when possible. This approach is especially important at the workplace. Flatly saying no to a request from a manager can be risky (duh) - it depends on the work climate, staff/management relations and the rights of the employees. That does not necessarily mean we have to say yes all the time, regardless. A fair distribution of work is a reasonable expectation. And this is not just about job descriptions and contractual arrangements. It's the grey area I'm talking about. Take the example of peak performers - those staff whose managers tend to ask again and again to do certain tasks because they know they will be done well and in time. Gold Star. Peak performers are people who tend to work "above and beyond" and get an energy boost doing that - until they hit the wall and suffer burn-out. Meanwhile, their co-workers become increasingly demotivated. Why bother when you have someone in the team who always eagerly raises their hand first? A managerial issue. So help the manager out by saying no at least once in a while and ensure that someone else on the team is ready and capable of doing the task instead.
In sum, “saying no” is about setting reasonable limits - in public and private life.
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