Pushing and pulling

Managing expectations is one of the biggest challenges in launching just about anything in any workplace. For example: running a leadership programme for high-level managers in an international organization. Lots of lessons there. One thing you can expect is debate and skepticism - both natural and useful reactions, though not always easy to intercept and move forward. Some participants had to be pushed into the programme (prisoners) and some had to be pulled (more prisoners). Many really did want to participate - they had an expectation that it would help them improve their managerial skills. Super - a willingness to learn. But leadership? Most participants did not perceive themselves as leaders - despite the fact that they were responsible for leading teams. Leadership came from somewhere above. Change was imposed. Nothing to do with them. Facilitate the change for their staff? Not something they saw as their role.

Yet, there was lots of good stuff in the programme and positive outcomes for those who were committed to start at A and continue to Z. The point of this entry is not to dissect the programme design and goals, rather to highlight what I thought worked well. The stuff that has remained with me over the years and perhaps with many of the participants as well.

Step 1: understanding what talented people need

Step 2: being honest with yourself about your own performance

The starting point of this type of learning is self-assessment - what type of manager are you? And the answer should not be expressed as "good" or "bad" or just "OK". What type of style do you tend to adopt? do you use it all the time, or does it change depending on the dynamics of the team and the individual members? Participants were presented with six styles of manage and leading. The programme designers and facilitators had based these styles on John Heron, known for his work on collaborative inquiry. The styles were grouped into two categories: push and pull.

Now where I come, from the facilitative manger would be labelled "good" and the directive "bad". The point is that an effective manager needs to master all six styles. And to do that, he/she needs to be able to assess the situation quickly and take the appropriate action. That takes self-awareness and a willingness to move out of the comfort zone and take on new behaviours.

Each one of the styles requires a core skill set and conscientiousness when arranging and conducting an interview with the individual staff member. For a productive interview the manager should:

• set the scene (time, place, space) 
• build trust
• balance direction and facilitation
• use appropriate body language
• ask appropriate questions
• listen actively (on three levels! *)
• give and ask for feedback
• conclude the interview
• agree concrete action plans
• ensure necessary level of commitment (yours and theirs)

Quite demanding! Yet, that is exactly what staff expect from their managers.

* In previous entries, I have covered communication, negotiation and listening - lots on listening. Because that is the most essential communication skill. The facilitators at the leadership programme had an interesting twist on the conventional exercise on active listening; that is, to listen on three levels: fact, feeling, intent. Listening for intent means trying to understand what the person is actually concerned about, what is important to them, what is behind the words. That involves reflecting feelings and asking appropriate questions to understand the situation and the drivers - the story.

So what are "appropriate" questions? Ones that:

• develop awareness
• sharpen focus
• stimulate responsibility
• help staff find their own answers
• get the staff member to take ownership of the process.

This is where John Heron and collaborative inquiry come into the picture - "taking ownership" is based on a set of assumptions about the manager/staff relationship which may not apply or which cannot be merely transferred to any cultural context in any workplace anywhere. But that takes us down a whole other road. Let's just stick for the moment with the six generic managerial styles and assume that being able to apply them correctly at the right moment in the right setting would greatly enhance the effectiveness of any manager.

"Instead of pushing solutions on people with the force of your argument, pull solutions out of them".  

(How to motivate your problem people, Harvard Business Review, Jan 2003)

Part of the course material was the above HBR article on motivating “problem people”. It emphasizes the need for the manager to get a clear picture of their staff. Data that provide information about the staff - and most of that "data" should come directly from the staff through brief informal conversations. What does the world look like from where the employee sits? What drives that person?

"Remember to include these figures in your report."

From staff member's perspective what would be the expected reaction to this comment? Is it intended as advice? information? control? Is it helpful? condescending?

All of the above. Below are some suggestions as when to pull and when to push. Beware of oversimplifying. It can be difficult to figure out when to apply which style when ... Overcomplicated? Perhaps. The main point is to become aware of your own preferred style and try to adopt different approaches if the one is not getting you where you want to go.

Or you can just apply the "simple" approach by being genuine and demonstrating empathy and respect. And of course listening actively - on 3 levels!

The six managerial styles

PULL

Supporting: building the subordinate's self esteem

When: building morale and self-confidence; encourage risk-taking (* within workplace boundaries …); reward success, promote further learning
Skills:

• expressing appreciation
• showing YOUR confidence
• encouraging self-respect
• apologizing when necessary

Traps:

• patronizing
• giving "yes, but..." support
• overdoing it so it feels false
• held back by own inhibitions
• sending mixed signals

PULL

Enabling: promoting self-discovery, self-directed learning

When: achieve a deeper level of understanding; encourage staff to take responsibility; promote motivation and commitment
Skills:

• wide range of questions
• reflecting and paraphrasing
• provoking curiosity
• keeping hands in pockets!
• silence

Traps:

• too many closed questions
• structuring too soon
• prescribing
• following your curiosity
• not clarifying objectives

PULL

Releasing: releasing emotions which block progress

When: If the staff member is afraid of risk or failure; If the staff member feels incompetent; If the staff member is frustrated, demotivated, angry
Skills:

• active listening
• questioning
• showing empathy
• feeding back what you perceive
• creating a support climate

Traps:

• talking, not listening
• making it hard to express emotions
• spending too long
• going too deep
• sympathising too quickly
• denying or critcizing their feelings.

PUSH

Confronting: raising awareness, challenging assumptions

When: show consequences of the staff member's actions; challenge the staff member to re-think assumptions; raise the staff member's awareness of others' perceptions
Skills:

• direct questions
• giving constructive feedback
• challenging defensive excuses
• giving 'space' to reflect

Traps:

• avoiding painful issues
• punishing
• acting like an angry parent
• making character judgements
• confronting on a trivial issue
• creating win / lose outcomes

PUSH

Informing: Giving information and knowledge to the staff member

When: showing where to find extra help, information; supplying missing facts; explaining what just happened
Skills:

• presenting information clearly
• checking for understanding
• inviting and handling questions

Traps:

• overloading
• using too much jargon
• not structuring information
• not saying WHY it's important
• teaching focus, not learning

PUSH

Directing: giving directions, advice, recommendations

When: if the staff member lacks confidence; if the staff member is unable to direct own learning yet; if there are legal, safety  ethical guidelines

Skills:

• diagnosing learning needs
• insight into learning process
• giving clear instructions
• explaining why
• motivating

Traps:

• giving unwanted advice
• taking over, imposing solutions
• creating dependency
• hesitating when firmness needed
• over-controlling

The gentle art of verbal self-defense

Just a few words for now about Suzette Haden Elgin´s work. That is, how to arm yourself so that you can withstand those verbal sticks and stones that you bravely claim don't hurt at all but in fact pierce our defenses and hurt badly. Ouch. Elgin is a linguist and a science fiction writer - a woman with amazing accomplishments.

I am re-reading her "LAST WORD" on this topic - the book was published in 1987. Which means that her first two books - The gentle art of self-defense and MORE on the gentle art of self-defense - were published earlier. She has since written a whole slew of related books on linguistics and how it influences our behavior and understanding of verbal interactions.

Of course, like so many others, I was captured by the title. This is precisely what we dream of when we feel put-down, belittled, ridiculed and all that other stuff that does happen with intent but - as we often forget -  can also be said without malice. Nonetheless, we still feel like we have been punched in the solar plexus.

When running workshops on effective inter-personal communication this subject always came up. It is natural to want to fight back when you feel assaulted. And since we live in a civilized world (…!) we want to defend ourselves with scathing retorts rather than bazookas. When caught in the heat of the moment, however, we are often at a total loss for words - let alone ones that will help us exit the scene triumphantly, unbruised and intact. Participants were hoping that there were some "tricks" they could learn to be able to say just the right thing at the right time. And there are. Just have to unlearn our own patterns and re-learn some other more effective communication strategies.

Elgin adds some interesting perspectives to all the others that I have reviewed in this blog - assertiveness, active listening, principled negotiation and meta-messages. She refers to the work of Dr Virginia Satir, a family therapist who described five patterns of language behavior of people under stress: blaming, placing, computing, distracting and leveling. Elgin uses these patterns as a way of understanding - i.e. getting information about - what we are hearing and seeing in verbal interactions.

Blamers: tend to use words like always, never, nothing, nobody, everything, none, not once, and to ask an excessive amount of questions - usually putting the stress on the question word: "WHAT is the matter with you."

Placaters: exact opposite of Blamers - Satir compared them to "cocker spaniel puppies, desperate to please".

Computers: avoid the words I, me, my, mine, you, your, ours. They try to keep their language as divorced from the real world as possible; give the impression of being emotion-less so little body language or facial expression.

Distracters: exhibit linguistic chaos and panic; skipping through other patterns randomly: "WHY don't you ever ask ME what I'D like to do on the week-ends? Not that I matter … YOU know how I am, I don't CARE what we do, just as long as it makes YOU happy …"

Levelers: can be difficult to decode - use the same words as other categories but - as Elgin notes - with one striking difference: "the Leveler means exactly what the Leveler says". And uses appropriate body language (unlike the Computer, whose body language is restricted).

Elgin emphasizes the importance of stress patterns in language - they provide valuable information about intent - verbal attack or just an innocent question or comment? Compare these two sentences, which she gives as an example. Say them out loud to really hear the difference:

Leveler: "Why do you always smoke so much when you're driving?"
Blamer: "WHY do you ALWAYS SMOKE so much when you're driving?"

Get it?

So here's where the 1st rule of self-defense comes into the picture:

"IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, GO TO COMPUTER MODE AND MAINTAIN IT. Always." 

This is in case of an emergency under stress when you don't have sufficient information to make a choice. And most often we don't have sufficient information - we make assumptions instead.

The 2nd rule is to try not to match the Safir mode being launched at you - except for the Leveler. You can just imagine where you would end up if you tried to cross swords with a skilled Blamer or Placater with years of experience!

Stay tuned for more on how to handle verbal attacks with dignity!