That crumple button!

Responding to criticism is also extremely difficult because any criticism - whether valid or invalid - is bound to stimulate defensiveness and negative feelings. Dickson has a wonderful phrase to cover those put-downs or negative criticisms that go right to the solar plexus - "crumple buttons" ... “those chinks in your defensive armour, where you are most vulnerable. We all have them. Words or phrases which are so highly sensitive that the mere mention has the effect of making you crumple instantly inside... it may be a reference to your appearance ... your background .... your competence. It may be a specific word: such as selfish, over-bearing, hard, stupid, aggressive, tight." (Dickson, p. 86). Whatever the crumple button, it packs a wallop and has an impact on you that may not apply to others - including the person who pushed it.

"I" statements. An important element in being assertive is acknowledging your feelings to the other person - "I feel guilty...", "I find this difficult ..."

Beware: contrast "That was a stupid thing to do." with "I think that was a stupid thing to do". Same difference! Prefacing your statement with “I” is no guarantee. Saying "I feel angry...", "I am upset.."is a good starting point, but then the rest of the statement needs to be equally assertive. Calling someone stupid is an act of aggression no matter how you package it. The temptation to do so may be overwhelming, but you can - and should - stop yourself. 

In real life you find out that one beautifully crafted assertive statement is not enough. Anger seeps out into your voice, your body language - the non-verbal communication speaks louder than words. So, getting your emotions under control at the same time you channel them positively to address a problem that needs to be surfaced and discussed, is an emotional balancing act that requires skill and practice.

You need to be prepared for the fact that the other person may not be listening. So when you launch an often heavily-charged statement - again, no matter how assertive - it is bound to generate defensiveness because the person feels under attack. Listening and acknowledging the feelings of the other person helps reduce the level of defensiveness and reach an understanding.

More about listening later, first  ...

Non-verbal communication

I - along with many others - referred to Mehrabian's research on how we tend to decode messages that involve some level of emotion:  7% words, 38% tone of voice and 55% non-verbal (e.g. facial expression). Staggering findings. A cursory glance at the net shows that this research has been taken out of context and other researchers have criticized the methodology and thus the conclusions. As a non-scientist, my attitude is the numbers may not be accurate but we do tend to trust body language more than words in emotionally charged situations. As Mehrabian's research showed:  "... the non-verbal elements are particularly important for communicating feelings and attitude, especially when they are incongruent: If words disagree with the tone of voice and nonverbal behaviour, people tend to believe the tonality and nonverbal behaviour." 

Clearly, if we fidget or avoid eye contact or stoop or act in any way that undermines the meaning of the words we are conveying or contradicts the emotions we want to express, the other person senses the incongruence. Smiling while telling someone you are very angry doesn't work!

A session on non-verbal communication is an essential part of assertiveness training. When I ran an adapted workshop for colleagues whose posts had been abolished, I told them to act assertively (posture, eye contact, etc.) when been interviewed for a job because it would help them to truly be assertive. That just made sense to me. Then recently I saw a presentation over TED delivered by Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist who has done research that supports this feeling I had. The presentation was recorded in June 2012. Amy Cuddy’s research on body language reveals that we can change other people’s perceptions - and even our own body chemistry - simply by changing body positions. “Power posing” - standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident - can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain, and might even have an impact on our chances for success.